Defrosted

When I wrapped my last essay meeting a few days before the end of this past application cycle, I set an intention to write, and write often. I missed having an idea flutter into my head and running with it, hearing the words I might use as I did dishes, ran errands, or folded laundry and actually sitting down to type them out. I sporadically jotted down wispy phrases on scrap paper I conveniently keep in my kitchen island’s utensil drawer for when something hits me.

Essay work drained me this fall, as much as I left most of my student meetings fulfilled and calmer. I relish the feeling of having thought deeply, that foggy exhaustion upon looking up after wandering around my brain for considerable time. I pride myself on shouldering my students’ experiences and helping them make sense of how and why they’re better now because of living through them. They noticeably grew and eventually didn’t just want edits or my opinion; with several of them, we developed a writing rhythm and partnership that I ended up jealously wishing I had for myself. Don’t we all want a trustworthy sounding board with an eye for meticulous punctuation?

As much as I appreciated supporting my students, it felt like all my thoughts and musings went to them. Ideas for myself? They rarely came, and when they did, I was too busy to focus on them. More than that, I became so familiar with my students’ varied voices that I sensed losing mine. I tossed my little notes when I periodically organized the kitchen counter.

Then, I made excuses.

If only I had the grit to run in the cold, the words would come.

If I worked in a sunnier spot in my house, I’d feel inspired.

When application season ends, I’ll have more time.

So, on the precipice of winter and a much-needed work slowdown, I ordered a desk on Black Friday, intent on moving myself from the dining room table (and proximity to snacks) to our south-facing sunroom that is bathed in light, even during the grayest days in Cleveland. It turned out the desk wouldn’t arrive until the end of January, so I gave myself grace after the last applications were submitted. I read. I cooked big dinners for my family on weeknights again. I prepared for the next group of juniors who were ready to hit the ground running. And, I resolved to write, if even for twenty minutes a day, beginning January 1.

I followed my promise to an extent, journaling over my morning coffee and again before bed, but I stayed away from the keyboard til just a few days ago. Now, with a week left in February, I’m ready to come to terms with why I don’t write despite my desire to—and with what feels so obviously like hypocrisy. I set deadlines for students, encouraging them to give me stream-of-consciousness word vomit just to flex that narrative muscle while mine has atrophied.

If any benefit has come from my episode of writer’s block, it’s that I’m even more in tune with my students. Empathizing with them—remembering in detail what my life looked like and how my dreams felt at 17 or 18 years old—makes me great at my job. Now, I have felt the reluctance they experience, except they’re nervous to write because they sense their future is riding on their essay. So I’ve asked myself, what is it that’s holding me back? The obvious answer is judgment—that I fail to make a point, or my word choice isn’t the best, or—and this one is the worst—I leave the reader with a feeling of who cares?

Photo Credit: Stephanie Stein, who has the grit and determination to run almost daily in the cold and right through any obstacle life throws at her.

Maybe that’s been my problem—the idea that what I’m saying has to be for others, impart wisdom, prove something, or advance me in some way. I guess in the absence of devoting myself to my new desk for hours a day, of truly refocusing something I love into something strict, with defined edges, and mandatory, it doesn’t have to be for anything other than…joy.

So here I am, at my desk, swiveling in my chair, watching this thaw create the slightest haze, as if the earth is breathing a sigh of relief along with me.

The Impact of Free Speech on Counseling Proudly Jewish Students

Like so many of you, I’ve experienced fury, confusion, heartbreak, shock—you name it—over the past 123 days. The news, whether through traditional outlets or Instagram, has gut punched me—repeatedly--since October 7, despite reading it in the warmth of my bed or while checking out in the safety of my suburban grocery store. So many people continue to unabashedly deny Jews—especially Israelis—their victimhood despite watching some of the most atrocious, unfathomable crimes ever committed against humanity in the palm of their hand.

I’ve reached a place where I can offer sensibility in an era plagued by senselessness and can help parents and students find some semblance of control despite society seeming to have spun so far out of it. It’s my hope that after reading this, parents and students feel they’re holding the reins rather than being dragged along. My opinions and suggestions are coming from a place of understanding and should not be misconstrued to minimize the very real concerns of Jewish families sending students to college.

But just in case, let me be clear from the outset. I stand firm in my belief that Israel should and must exist, that there is territorial integrity to her borders, and that it’s of the utmost importance and necessity to defend them in response to aggression. I am spiritually, traditionally, socially, emotionally, and gastronomically in love with being Jewish. 

Free Speech Is An Indispensable Part Of American Life

Let’s start at the very beginning. Julie Andrews told me many years ago that it’s a very fine place to start. 

Addressing the current political climate on U.S. college campuses without first discussing freedom of speech would be irresponsible. Free speech–our cherished right that has woven its way into the fabric of everyday American life–permits pro-Palestinian demonstrators to chant and shout antisemitic rhetoric that most of us never dreamed we’d hear in the U.S., let alone on the quads of some of our most respected (and expensive) institutions. It’s 2024–shouldn’t the law forbid the sharing of such repugnant ideas in this day and age? Where are the fact-checkers?!

Freedom of speech is currently a challenging concept for Jews to reconcile with, right? We understand its importance–its necessity–but at the same time, we can’t help but feel that someone should do something.

It’s really quite simple though—hate speech is protected speech under the Constitution. Period. Much of what is happening within campus demonstrations is disappointing at best, and frightening at worst, but absolutely constitutionally permissible. With very limited exceptions, sharing even the most repulsive ideas is a legally accepted practice in the United States under the First Amendment.

In my opinion, outlawing hate speech would not lead to better outcomes. I firmly believe in upholding free speech much more than I support limiting it to rescue others from hurt feelings or disgust–even when those most affected are Jews–because constraints on speech limit exposure to important ideas.

Let’s pick that apart for a minute. The ideas many of us, including myself, find to be clearly wrong, abhorrent, or even dangerous are nonetheless important; in the current environment, we should want to know how our opposition thinks and why. I’d rather anti-Israel and antisemitic hate speech be aired out so I know exactly what I’m facing and whether these ideas are garnering strong support or leading to lawless action. Moreover, just as hate speech is protected speech, so are the rebuttals pro-Israel students can offer.  Justice Louis Brandeis explained that the “freedom to think as you will and speak as you think are indispensable to the discovery and spread of political truth.” One cannot plant a seed of change in someone’s mind if one cannot speak out.

In an ideal world, prejudice wouldn’t exist and we’d all get along. But 21st century America is hardly Pleasantville. If private universities limited this speech–as they are technically permitted to do–Jewish students would perhaps feel safer, physically and emotionally. On one hand, private colleges must weigh their promise for free expression against their code of conduct and draw the line at calls for Jewish genocide. But reasonable minds could agree that constraining other forms of hate speech at these schools would give Jewish students a false sense of security, now that we can gauge certain college climates with 20/20 hindsight. 

From Dilemma To Dialogue

Given that universities have traditionally been bastions of free speech–encouraging students to take a stand and giving wide latitude to progressive faculty–Jewish families are in an undeniably tough position. Troublesome videos and images seem to surface daily. But before families redline schools from their student’s spreadsheet, they should consider the following points.

When families want their pro-Israel, Jewish students to cross certain institutions off their application list, they are preemptively and purposely silencing them from critical discussions the First Amendment fosters. The Supreme Court has protected hate speech specifically to encourage debate, to give the other side a chance to be heard! 

Students who support Israel are integral to balancing class dialogue and campus culture. In fact, pro-Palestinian students may not understand that one can be both an American liberal and pro-Israel, support Israel but not its government leaders, believe in Israel’s right to exist while also supporting Palestinian statehood, or feel heartbreak for the hostages and their families while sympathizing with the tremendous loss of Gazan civilians. Proud Jewish students must tell them, must show them.

Further, going to college is about experiencing diversity of thought. We don’t want to perpetuate an American society of highly educated individuals who haven’t had their opinions confronted. College is a time to raise one’s hand, speak one’s mind, and learn from the response, to openly debate in a forum where each student is there to actively and intentionally expand their horizons. It’s the chance to bring one’s own ideas to the table and have them examined.

It’s hard to remain composed while angry against the uncertain backdrop we're living through, but it is key to not compromising a student’s higher education. College is the beginning of a student's independent experience with the world and likely their first opportunity to truly understand the nature of our informed society. 

Considerations For Building A College List

For me, counseling students through building a balanced college list centers on fit–academically, socially, geographically, financially, and more. Placing as much emphasis on the list as students do on essays is critically important for their acceptance to the right school. Against the evolving backdrop of antisemitic expression and safety concerns, however, several factors deserve more attention than students might have previously given to them.

On the MACA Facebook group, parents post daily inquiries about campus culture and faculty attitudes towards Jews and Israel at specific schools to determine whether their student should apply or, if their student has been accepted, whether it’s a real option to consider enrolling. 

I get it. I do. 

But the desire to keep students safe can have the unintended consequence of keeping students sheltered. While this piece is focused on college campuses, antisemitism and anti-Israel attitudes are extremely widespread, quite sadly. Physical safety is one thing, but parents and students who avoid considering certain schools because peers and faculty actively discuss their different beliefs are delaying the inevitable confrontation with this discomfort for only four short years. 

Facebook’s hive mind can provide advice, but parents and students must take shared opinions with a grain of salt.  One student’s perspective at any given campus is different from others’ experiences. What is right for a few may not be right for many. Where pro-Palestinian protests or progressive left lectures may compromise one student’s day-to-day college life, other students may not feel as bothered. What's more is I’m noticing parents expressing positive feelings about plenty of universities from where students posted troublesome videos just a couple months ago, like the Northeastern University sit-in on December 1 followed by many comments praising NU Jewish life on a MACA post from February 5.

The best way to reconcile these opinions is to concentrate on your student, especially with regard to the following elements.

The Importance Of Jewish Community

Jewish students–no matter their observance level–should research opportunities to build a like-minded community. Beyond Hillel and Chabad, many schools are home to Jewish sororities and fraternities. At institutions with large Jewish student populations, one can confidently presume that meeting other Jewish students will happen organically in the dorms, classes, or within other non-religious outlets. 

If students are fairly certain they will want to attend Shabbat dinners or other Jewish programming, reach out to Chabad or Hillel staff. Don’t just arrange a campus tour–go straight to the source and swing by these buildings to engage with the leadership. Ask whether involved students would be willing to correspond or meet up at a college visit. At the very least, check their Instagram profile or programming calendar to gauge their activity level. 

Hillel’s website is extremely useful as well, noting Jewish student populations, availability of Kosher food, study abroad opportunities in Israel, and more. Hillel isn’t just a resource for students on campus; it’s a place where concerned parents can ask questions now.

Chances For Social Activism

Even before this current spike in antisemitic expression, I encouraged students to think about what level of social activism they preferred on campus. For many young adults, the idea of engaging with a diverse, worldly population is quite appealing. Colleges have long been forums where students proudly marched and made their views heard loud and clear. 

High schoolers involved in student government, Mock Trial, Model UN, or speech and debate may feel more inclined to participate in demonstrations or raise their hand in class to share their views. They may purposely seek a politically active campus, knowing they’d feel less intimidated by pro-Palestinian demonstrations or progressive peers and faculty in a political science or history course. 

Alternatively, students who keep their opinions to themselves or reserve them for papers and exams might feel less apt to apply to this atmosphere, especially now. It’s important to remember, however, that large universities offer a myriad of activities, communities, and outlets for becoming involved; despite the protests we see online, these may still fit for students who don’t yearn for political engagement.

Students who consider themselves to be changemakers, or who look forward to becoming one during college, should research whether the causes and issues important to them have taken a backseat on campus given the Israel-Hamas War. Along with asking students to list these as I help them choose schools, I’ve begun to have students articulate their feelings about seeing antisemitic clips on TikTok or Snapchat and reflect on whether seeing these events firsthand might cause them to feel emotionally or physically insecure. 

These simple talking points can help families determine whether certain schools are right for their son or daughter. 

Student Temperament And Development

Families must also consider their student’s personality, maturity, and potential reactions toward incendiary remarks.  

Consider how your student has managed the more challenging moments in their life–social pressures, death, new environments, evolving family dynamics. Has your student navigated and adjusted easily to situations–perhaps a new school or a summer program–wherein they didn’t know anyone else? Further, does your student advocate for themselves or others or, alternatively, do they take a more reserved approach? Will they report discriminatory incidents or inflammatory encounters with peers or faculty? 

Angst and uncertainty about the college search and application process cause many students to dread discussing it with their parents. I notice a real tug of war between a student’s desire for independence and speeding straight ahead into actually experiencing it. If the nonstop focus on antisemitism seems to have turned your student off to exploring schools or discussing where they might want to visit, email their high school counselor. Involving a neutral third party can help move discussions forward.   

In closing, I want to stress how vitally important it is to pan our lens away from our phones and onto the individual student. Parents must have faith in themselves for raising children with strong ethical values, positive feelings about their Judaism, and the ability to balance how thick their skin is against what they’ve wanted out of a college experience. Most critically, we must remind Jewish students that no matter how small their voice may currently seem, we are so fortunate to live in a country that encourages them to use it. Those that want the chance should take it.

Acquiring A Taste For College

Taking official college tours is one of my favorite aspects of college admissions counseling. I’m a sucker for facts and myths about campus buildings, I appreciate a good walk, and am repeatedly blown away that I ever successfully fit my wardrobe into a dorm room closet. Most importantly, I experience the vibe so I can lend perspective to my students who are thinking about applying.

My daughter, who is on the verge of her freshman year of high school, has accompanied me on a number of tours. She loves coming along because she knows the restaurant situation around campus is full of the ethnic flavor she’s been craving (and that the Cleveland suburbs are lacking). I admit it’s a big draw for me as well, and we stuff our faces after each tour ends.

But the pressure is off for her, right? She isn’t touring these schools with a discerning eye, questioning whether she wants to begin her independent life there. I absolutely understand the weight the tour carries for older students and parents—there is anxiety underlying the excitement. “Could I see myself living here?” It’s a heavy question.

Here’s the deal, though—visiting the schools to which you (or your student) are applying is absolutely necessary.

Parents: would you buy a house based only on Zillow?

Students: would you be upset if you had to move to a new city and school without visiting first?

Walking campus and hearing student perspectives are integral for applicants to gauge “fit.” Frankly, I don’t take the tags off a pair of jeans until I’ve worn them around my house for a couple of hours to make sure they’re worth it. Students have to try a school on! I can analyze your GPA and test scores against school benchmarks and statistics, objectively assess how you spent your time in high school, and help you craft a stand-out essay, but I can’t tell you how you will feel there. That intangible nature of atmosphere is different for everyone.

Here are some logical points to keep in mind when building a college list, actually applying, and planning a visit:

• Tour a variety of schools within close proximity to your home to see what you might like. Check out urban and rural campuses, large and small colleges. When I took my daughter to a renowned liberal arts school, I thought she would love its quirks and ambience. We enjoyed the tour, asked many questions, ooh’ed and aah’ed at its distinct elements—but when it ended she said, “I don’t think I’d want to go to a school like this.”

• If you aren’t able to visit a school because the drive is too long, plane tickets are too expensive, or there are no direct flights, perhaps that school is not workable for these precise reasons. Students will want to come home sometimes, and parents will want to pop in for a weekend. Why waste the application fee and write the supplemental essays if the school isn’t really a workable choice? Don’t apply just to see—sometimes more options lend to more confusion.

• Yes, touring before students have an admission decision can heighten anxiety. But it might lessen it if it’s not a good fit and can therefore be checked off the list.

• Tours aren’t just for juniors and seniors. Take your freshman or sophomore before the anticipation of applying builds.

• Check out schools in places you’re traveling. I’ve walked schools spur of the moment. Even if the official tours are full, many colleges offer a self-guided option.

One of the best aspects of being at a college is that there is often something exciting happening. Schedule your tour around music or sports to catch a show or a game. There might be a theatrical performance on or around campus. Or, follow my lead and use Maps to see what restaurants and shops are close by. Court Street at OU, Westwood Village at UCLA, and Telegraph at Cal are places I spent significant amounts of time while I was a student that helped define my life at school. So whether it’s bao, falafel, dumplings, or bubble tea you’re looking for, let college visits give you more than just the flavor for the university and start scheduling them!